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I Always Felt Different

By Glenn Halke

For most of my life I have felt gay. I was aware of my same sex attraction from since I was six years old. So much so, that I would run around the playground telling everyone that I was gay, even before I had a true idea of what sex was, let alone what homosexuality meant. My pronouncements certainly went over well in my Christian daycare and grade school. I will never forget that time my second-grade teacher pulled me aside while the rest of the kids went out for recess. She shared with me how Jesus is my Savior, and He did not make me gay. With love and gentleness, she explained that homosexual acts are a sin. Homosexuality is not His plan for my life (Roman 1:26-7). This interaction with my teacher was God planting a tiny seed that I would come to appreciate evermore as I navigated life into adulthood.  

Most everyone’s first impression of me is of the more eccentric, effeminate type. My sexual orientation has been constantly questioned through high school and college. Even now in my workplace people have asked about my sexuality. I have come to expect it over the years. And for the longest time, I was very adamant, reassuring everyone around me of my straight status. I was only fooling myself. I suppressed the truth that I did feel gay. I did not want to affirm everyone’s suspicions.

Well, God shook my world in medical school. I met a guy who gave his testimony one Sunday morning at church. He talked about his

experiences in the homosexual lifestyle and how he walked away from it all when directed by the Lord. Because of Cody, I began sharing my own inner thoughts on the issue of homosexuality and how it has affected me personally. Once I began calling out by name the evil desires of my heart, identifying them and laying them down before my King as well as my fellow brothers, my internal struggles with homosexuality began losing power over my life. There are now those around me who know my weaknesses and can hold me accountable. I am no longer isolated, fighting my inner demons alone, but I have Christian brothers who know me for me and have come alongside me to ensure that I keep my eyes on Christ’s victory. Surely James knew what He was talking about: “confess your sins one to another so that you may be healed!” (James 5:16)

In a world that is constantly barraging us with the lie that homosexuality is genetically inherent and a perfectly acceptable alternative to conventional marriage between a man and a woman, I keep thinking back to His still small voice that reaffirms the contrary. It all started when Jesus spoke to me through my second-grade teacher more than two decades ago. Today, while I still have moments of feeling gay, God continues to heal my heart as I seek in all things to obey Him.

And he said to them all, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me (Luke 9:23).