I Always Felt Different

By Glenn Halke

For most of my life I have felt gay. I was aware of my same sex attraction from the age of six. So much so, that I would run around the playground telling everyone that I was gay, even before I had a true idea of what sex was, let alone what homosexuality meant. My pronouncements certainly went over well in my Christian daycare and grade school. I will never forget that time my second-grade teacher pulled me aside while the rest of the kids went out for recess. She shared with me how Jesus is my Savior, and He did not make me gay. With love and gentleness, she explained that being gay is a sin.(1) Homo sexuality was not His plan for my life (Roman 1:26-27). This interaction with my teacher was God planting a tiny seed that I would come to appreciate more and more as I navigated life into adulthood.

Most everyone s first impression of me is of the more eccentric, effeminate type. My sexual orientation has been constantly questioned through high school and college. Even now in my work place people have asked about my orientation. I have come to expect it over the years.

And for the longest time, I would be very adamant in assuring everyone around me that I indeed identified with being straight. Yet I was only fooling myself. I suppressed the truth that I did feel gay, yet I did not want to affirm everyone's suspicions.

Well, God shook my world in medical school. I met a guy who gave his testimony one Sunday about living out the homosexual lifestyle, and then walking away from it all when directed by the Lord. He is now married with kids and is open and honest about his past and uses his testimony to help others who may share his predicament. For me, he was yet another confirmation that homosexuality is a choice, and

that God's righteous model for marriage and sex between a man and woman is available to all who seek Him.

It was because of Cody that I began sharing my own inner thoughts and feelings on the issue of homosexuality and how it has affected me personally. Once I began calling out by name the evil desires of my heart, identifying them and laying them down before my King as well as my fellow brothers, my internal struggles with homosexuality began losing power over my life.

There are now those around me who know my weaknesses and can hold me accountable. I am no longer isolated, fighting my inner demons alone, but I have Christian brothers who know me for me and have come alongside me to ensure that I keep my eyes on Christ s victory. Surely James knew what He was talking about when he wrote, "Confess your sins one to another so that you may be healed!" (James 5:16)

In a world that is constantly telling us that homosexuality is genetic, that it is not a chosen lifestyle, and that it is a perfectly acceptable alternative to conventional marriage between a man and a woman, I keep thinking back to His still small voice that reaffirms the contrary. It all started when Jesus spoke to me through my second-grade teacher more than two decades ago. His voice and guidance concerning homosexuality and the lie that seems to be gaining momentum in our mainstream culture has kept me rooted. Today, while I still have my moments of feeling gay, God continues to bring healing to my heart as I seek to love and obey Him. He is birthing in me a growing desire for a wife and children and to bring Him worship through my obedience.

[1] We want to note that the temptation itself is not sin, but giving in to homosexual lusts or acts is sin.